The Leadership Lie Nobody Talks About: Being Liked vs. Being Respected (And Why You Need Both)

“I’d rather be respected than liked.”

How many times have you heard that? How many leadership books preach this gospel? It sounds tough. Principled. Like something a real leader would say.

It’s also terrible advice.

I learned this lesson the hard way during my banking years. I was leading a team through our third merger in five years. Morale was in the basement. I convinced myself that being the “tough but fair” leader was what the situation required. I made the hard calls. I held people accountable. I didn’t sugarcoat the challenges we faced.

My team respected my competence. They followed my directives. But they didn’t trust me with their real concerns. When I asked for honest feedback, I got corporate-speak. When things went wrong, people hid problems until they became crises. My turnover rate was double that of other departments.

I was respected. I wasn’t liked. And it was killing my team’s performance.

Here’s what 30+ years of leading teams through military operations, Fortune 500 mergers, and startup chaos has taught me: the “respected vs. liked” choice is a false dichotomy. The most effective leaders don’t choose between being respected and being liked. They master both. And the leaders who think they have to choose? They’re leaving massive performance on the table.

The Research Nobody Mentions

Let’s talk data. Leaders who are both respected AND liked by their teams see team performance metrics that are roughly 3x higher than leaders who have only one or the other. Employee engagement scores, retention rates, innovation output, customer satisfaction—all higher.

Why? Because respect without likeability creates compliance, not commitment. And likeability without respect creates friendship, not followership.

Your team will execute for a leader they respect but don’t like. They’ll show up, do the job, and leave at 5:00. But they won’t go the extra mile. They won’t bring you their best ideas. They won’t tell you when something’s wrong until it’s too late.

Conversely, your team will enjoy working for a leader they like but don’t respect. They’ll have fun at work. They’ll appreciate the easy-going culture. But they won’t push themselves. They won’t accept tough feedback. And when things get hard, they’ll question whether you can lead them through it.

The leaders who crack the code—who build both respect and likeability—create something powerful: teams that perform at exceptional levels because they want to, not because they have to.

The Four Leadership Archetypes

In my coaching practice, I’ve identified four distinct leadership patterns. Most leaders fall cleanly into one quadrant. Elite leaders transcend them.

The Tyrant (High Respect, Low Likeability)

These leaders get results through fear and competence. They’re often brilliant strategists or technical experts. Their teams respect their abilities but dread interactions with them.

I worked under a Tyrant early in my military career. The man was tactically brilliant. We respected his judgment in the field. But he led through intimidation. He publicly humiliated people for mistakes. His team never volunteered information or ideas. We only told him what he needed to know to avoid getting chewed out.

The cost? High turnover. Constant stress. And a team that operated at about 60% of its potential because people were more focused on avoiding his wrath than on mission success.

The Pushover (High Likeability, Low Respect)

These leaders want to be everyone’s friend. They avoid conflict. They struggle to give direct feedback. They say yes to everything and deliver on nothing.

I coached a CEO—let’s call her Sarah—who fit this profile perfectly. Her team genuinely liked her. She was warm, empathetic, and easy to talk to. But she couldn’t make tough calls. She wouldn’t address performance issues. She let deadlines slip without consequence.

Her company’s revenue had flatlined for three years. When we dug into why, it became clear: her team liked working there because it was comfortable. But they didn’t push themselves because Sarah didn’t push them. Respect for her leadership capabilities was low, and it showed in the results.

The Ghost (Low Respect, Low Likeability)

This is the worst quadrant to inhabit—and more common than you’d think. Ghost leaders are disconnected, ineffective, and often unaware of their impact. They’re not respected because they lack competence or visibility. They’re not liked because they’re absent or dismissive.

I’ve seen Ghosts in large organizations where someone was promoted beyond their capability and then checked out. Their teams feel abandoned. Engagement tanks. The best people leave. The organization suffers.

The Influencer (High Respect, High Likeability)

These are the leaders everyone wants to work for. They hold high standards AND show genuine care. They make tough decisions AND maintain strong relationships. They’re respected for their competence and liked for their character.

One of the best leaders I ever served under was a battalion commander in the Army. He expected excellence and didn’t tolerate mediocrity. But he also knew every soldier’s name. He checked in on people’s families. When he corrected you, you knew it came from a place of wanting you to succeed, not from ego or anger.

We would have run through walls for that man. Not because we feared him. Not because he was our buddy. Because we respected his leadership AND trusted he genuinely cared about our success.

The Character + Competence + Care Model

So how do you become an Influencer? Through what I call the C3 Model: Character, Competence, and Care.

Competence: They Need to Believe You Know What You’re Doing

Respect starts here. You don’t need to be the smartest person in the room, but you need to demonstrate sound judgment, strategic thinking, and the ability to navigate complex situations.

This means:

• Making well-reasoned decisions under pressure
• Admitting when you don’t know something and finding the answer
• Continuously developing your own skills
• Surrounding yourself with people smarter than you in key areas

If your team doesn’t believe you’re competent to lead them, nothing else matters. They won’t follow you, regardless of how nice you are.

Character: They Need to Trust Your Integrity

This is where many “respected but not liked” leaders fail. They have the competence but lack the character consistency that builds trust.

Character means:

• Doing what you say you’ll do, every time
• Being consistent in your values and decisions
• Admitting mistakes and learning from them
• Treating people fairly, even when it’s inconvenient
• Standing up for your team when they need you

I once had to fire a high performer who was toxic to team culture. It was the hardest decision I made that year. But my team’s respect for me actually increased because they saw I would uphold our values, even at a cost. Character earns respect.

Care: They Need to Know You’re For Them

This is the “likeability” factor, but it’s not about being everyone’s friend. It’s about genuine concern for your people’s growth and wellbeing.

Care looks like:

• Knowing what matters to each person on your team
• Investing in their development, even if it means they might leave
• Showing up in difficult moments, not just celebrating wins
• Protecting your team from unnecessary organizational chaos
• Celebrating people, not just outcomes

When people know you genuinely care about their success—not just their productivity—they’ll like working for you. More importantly, they’ll trust you with their real challenges and concerns.

When to Choose (The Rare Exceptions)

Here’s where I’ll break my own rule: there are moments when you have to prioritize respect over likeability. But they’re rarer than you think.

Crisis Situations: When the building is burning, you don’t have time to workshop the decision. You need to act decisively. Your team needs to know you can lead them to safety. Be clear, be directive, and worry about processing feelings after everyone’s safe.

Integrity Violations: When someone violates core values or ethical standards, swift action builds respect even if the decision is unpopular. Your team is watching to see if you’ll uphold standards or cave to pressure.

Performance Management: Addressing underperformance is never fun. It may temporarily affect how much someone likes you. But avoiding it destroys respect—both from the underperformer (who knows they’re not being held accountable) and from high performers (who resent carrying dead weight).

But notice: even in these situations, you don’t abandon care. You can fire someone with dignity. You can make unpopular decisions while explaining your reasoning. You can hold high standards while showing genuine concern for people’s success.

The Transformation Framework

Want to move from wherever you are now to the Influencer quadrant? Here’s your roadmap:

Week 1-2: Get brutally honest feedback. Do anonymous surveys or bring in a third party. Ask two questions: “Do you respect my leadership capabilities?” and “Do you feel I genuinely care about your success?” The answers will tell you where to focus.

Week 3-4: Choose one competency to visibly improve. If respect is low, identify a skill gap and close it. Take a course. Hire a coach. Get mentorship. Let your team see you improving.

Week 5-6: Make five personal connections. If likeability is low, schedule one-on-ones where you ask about people’s lives, goals, and challenges. Just listen. No agenda. Show you care by knowing them as people.

Week 7-8: Align your actions with your values. Write down your top three leadership values. Then audit your last week. Did your actions match your stated values? Close any gaps ruthlessly.

Ongoing: Balance firmness with warmth. Practice giving direct feedback with genuine care. “I’m giving you this feedback because I believe in your potential and want to see you succeed” changes how people receive hard truths.

The Bottom Line

The best leaders I’ve known—in the military, in business, in nonprofits—weren’t the toughest or the nicest. They were the ones who could set high standards while making people feel valued. They could make unpopular decisions while maintaining trust. They could be firm about performance and warm about people.

That’s not weakness. That’s mastery.

The “I’d rather be respected than liked” crowd is taking the easy way out. It’s much harder to be both. It requires constant calibration. It demands that you show up as both strong and human, decisive and empathetic, demanding and supportive.

But here’s what makes it worth it: teams led by Influencers don’t just perform better. They create cultures where people do their best work. Where tough conversations happen with trust intact. Where high standards and high care coexist.

Your team doesn’t need you to choose between being respected and being liked. They need you to master both. Because the truth is, you can’t truly lead people who don’t trust you. And trust requires both respect for your competence and confidence in your care.

So the question isn’t which one matters more. The question is: which one are you neglecting?

Written by: Doug Thorpe, executive coach, business advisor, and podcast host, for the Doug Thorpe Group Blog.