How Curiosity Can Help You Change Opinions and Win Arguments

Instead of arguing to change someone's mind, LaRae Quy suggests leading with curiosity and asking deep questions.

Much of the FBI Academy training focused on immersing new agents, like myself, in controlled exercises where failure was expected. Our responses to these failures helped develop the mental skills necessary to recover when facing the unknown. During these exercises, we often lost critical resources that we relied on to succeed or reach our goals.

I learned to develop skills that would help me navigate through change and chaos. Leaders need these same skills because they face similar real-world challenges — the failure of established procedures or the emergence of innovative competitors that require leaders to be flexible and strategic. 

Often, this requires re-examining long-held opinions about how to do business and interact with people. Mental agility isn’t just about being quick-minded — it’s about being able to pivot and stay resilient; in other words, to learn continuously about our environment. The best way to know more about our environment is to be curious. 

Curiosity is crucial for changing opinions because it promotes open-minded exploration and reduces defensiveness. When we’re curious, we’re more willing to ask questions, seek new information and listen actively instead of judging or dismissing.

We live in a time where disagreements can feel like a battle for moral high ground. Curiosity is a vital tool that transforms a challenge from a threat into an opportunity for learning and growth. Curiosity allows us to adapt our behavior and change our strategy based on new feedback. It also helps us to make sound strategic decisions quickly in rapidly changing conditions. 

1. Start with curiosity

Curiosity begins with active listening. In the book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey emphasizes the importance of listening as a crucial skill when trying to influence others. 

Genuinely listen to and acknowledge the other person’s perspective. Repeat what you believe they said. This prevents confusion and demonstrates that you understand their viewpoint, which can lower their defenses and create a more open environment. Test their arguments by asking questions, but not in a confrontational way. If you need to challenge each other, focus on a battle of ideas, not egos.

Approach the conversation with a calm mindset. Show vulnerability if needed — this actually makes you more relatable and softens the other person’s stance. Start by agreeing with something in their viewpoint, even if you don’t agree with the entire position. This fosters a sense of connection and makes them more receptive to new ideas. It’s not about backing down or sacrificing your stance. It’s about building enough trust for someone even to consider changing theirs.

Rather than arguing with them, ask thoughtful questions that encourage introspection and help them see inconsistencies or reconsider their stance over time.

My tip: Use the word “because” when giving reasons, as studies show people are more persuaded when a rationale is provided, even if it’s a simple one.

2. Use stories

People seldom respond only to facts. Beliefs are connected to identity, emotion and a need for internal harmony. We hold on to familiar viewpoints because they help us feel safe and connected to our communities. That’s why confrontation often fails: when someone feels judged, they stop listening. 

Stories serve two purposes. First, they grab your audience’s attention and evoke empathy. When you need to connect emotionally and make your message relatable, stories help simplify complex ideas and build a connection with your audience.

Second, stories encourage people to become curious about your values and mindset. Use a story to engage your audience and help them understand the impact of your perspective. 

To persuade others, you need to address their feelings, communicate your reasons clearly and demonstrate that you’re worth listening to.

My tip: Storytelling works best when it creates emotional engagement. But avoid using stories to hide facts you’re unsure of — this could backfire if the facts are scrutinized.

3. Stick to facts, not emotions

One of the biggest obstacles to reaching an agreement in arguments is letting our emotions take control. When someone challenges our ideas, it’s easy to see it as a personal attack, which causes us to react emotionally to defend ourselves. At the same time, our emotions can also block our judgment and make it harder to understand the other person’s perspective.

This is when it’s crucial to stick to facts because we tend to think that we know more about an issue than we actually do. The illusion of explanatory depth (IOED) is the belief that we understand more about the world than we actually do. It’s often not until someone asks us to explain a concept that we realize our limited understanding of it.

Ask the other person where they obtained their information so you can verify the accuracy of their opinion. Ask them to explain how the policy they were advocating would function. Then, ask them to trace, step by step, from start to finish, the causal path from the policy to the effects it was supposed to produce. People who are asked to provide explanations often soften their views because they are less certain in their support or opposition to the policy.

It’s hard to change opinions and win arguments if you’re not genuinely interested in finding a solution. Agree on what a successful resolution looks like, and stay focused on that goal. When you know your ideal outcome, you’re more likely to work toward finding the best answer.

My tip: Facts are most effective when the evidence is strong and the audience values logic and clarity.

Curiosity can spark discussion when we aim to change opinions and win arguments. This approach works best when we provide reasons alongside questions, share stories to foster emotional connection and rely on facts while asking others to explain their reasoning. It reveals gaps in understanding and helps soften rigid opinions.

Written by: LaRae Quy, an FBI undercover and counterintelligence agent for 24 years, forSmartBrief.