4 Effective Ways to Improve Your Emotional Competence

A few years ago, I called a man whom the FBI suspected of having contact with a hostile foreign intelligence officer. The man’s voice had a warbly sound typical of an older person, and the phone call clearly rattled him. My job was twofold: to determine whether he knew the true identity of the foreign spy, and to assess whether his contact was legitimate.

He agreed to meet me the next day for coffee. He was initially wary, but I firmly shook his hand and gently encouraged him to share his story with me. By taking the time to listen to him and understand his perspective, I gained his trust and, eventually, his cooperation.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, label and manage emotions effectively. However, emotional competence goes a step further; it’s the ability to apply that understanding in real-life situations, when stakes are high and emotions are intense. 

Let’s take a look at four simple hacks to sharpen your emotional competence:

1. Recognize emotions

The gentleman that I called was scared — he grew up in a country where a visit from the secret police usually meant death or imprisonment.

I recognized where his fear was coming from; I was in a position of power, so instead of compounding the negative emotion by threatening him, I allayed his fear by speaking gently and with compassion.

Recognizing an emotion, whether ours or someone else’s, might seem simple, but it’s not because our emotional intelligence skills didn’t develop naturally as children. We weren’t born knowing the names of our emotions.

Emotions are not consciously controlled by our logical, thinking brain. They are governed by the limbic system, which is driven by survival instincts. That’s why emotional responses can be very intense. It’s also why our initial reaction to any situation is always emotional.  

TIP:

• Understand that your first reaction is usually the genuine emotion you are experiencing.
• Understand that it may be a survival-driven response tied to a memory where you either felt threatened or safe.
• Notice that your emotional responses might not be connected to your current situation, but you can overcome them through logic and awareness of your reactions.

2. Understand emotions

Mental toughness is the ability to manage your emotions, thoughts and behavior in ways that lead to success.

One of the most important skills of an FBI agent is the ability to understand their emotions in the moment, as they influence thinking and behavior.

Emotional competence is the ability to anticipate your reactions so you’re not caught off guard by your response to a problem in a major negotiation, a team reorganization or an unexpected event. If you can predict your reactions, you can prepare for how to recover when faced with the unknown.

TIP:

• Understand how and why you responded to a similar situation in the past.
• Understand what worked and what didn’t — be honest with yourself.
• Determine how to replicate positive results and reduce negative ones.
• Identify similar situations as they happen so you can plan your response.

3. Label emotions

In his book, Your Brain at Work, David Rock explains that honestly labeling your emotions is a great way to manage them, whether they are positive or negative. It’s silly to pretend a negative emotion doesn’t exist or to try to avoid it. Instead, be mentally tough and learn how to control it.

Labeling involves accurately naming the emotion as it occurs, even if it’s embarrassing. This helps prevent the emotion from taking control because, when you name it, you shift from the emotional limbic brain system to the thinking, cerebral brain. 

When we name an emotion for what it truly is, rather than a watered-down version of what we’d like it to be, it helps people create space to work through their feelings instead of being overwhelmed by them. For example, when we name an emotion like jealousy, it can create psychological distance, allowing us to respond more clearly to our situation. 

TIP:

• Describe an emotion in one or two words, and it can help lessen the intensity of that emotion.
• Limit your description, as discussing an emotion can only intensify it.

4. Manage your emotions

Eustress is a type of stress that motivates, promotes well-being and enhances performance. Although it is positive, you can’t stay in that state forever, because you will eventually experience burnout.

Negative emotions cause discomfort because they feel like you’re constantly fighting to survive. Over time, this can lead to health issues. Learning to manage your feelings is the key to emotional competence. If you can identify the emotion you’re experiencing, you can control it.

TIP:

Ask yourself these questions:

• When I feel stressed or anxious, what is my usual go-to strategy?
• Is my go-to strategy effective?
• If so, why? If not, why not?
• How can I expand my range of strategies when I feel stressed or anxious?

Emotional competence involves not just recognizing and understanding emotions, but also skillfully using that knowledge to act thoughtfully and effectively under pressure.

Written by:  LaRae Quy, an FBI undercover and counterintelligence agent for 24 years, for SmartBrief.